Male Meat Massage

Earlier today, a South Carolina man was sentenced to 10 years in prison for massaging his meat. Actually, it wasn’t even his meat – and that’s the main reason why he’s headed to the pokey.

Fifty-one year old Mark Zachary has a case of sticky fingers. A high-dollar steak stolen in August from Reid’s Grocery in his hometown of Orangeburg, S.C. was his ninth shoplifting offense. Guess the ninth time is not the charm.

As if his luck couldn’t get any worse, when a grocery manager saw him leaving the store with a bulging mass under his shirt, Zachary bolted… and ran smack into an off-duty police officer.

Zachary testified in court that he did not steal the meat, but was “massaging” the $80 New York strip. This man must have an excellent sense of humor (not to mention some brass balls) to testify under oath that he was massaging the meat. But why did he run from the store? To take it out to dinner and a show first?

Before asking those vital questions, Assistant Solicitor Glenn Justis performed a little improv bit of his own when he asked, “Where’s the beef?” in his opening remarks to the jury. Nothing’s quite as clever as a South Carolina lawyer quoting a Wendy’s hamburger ad from the early 1980s. Poetic Justis must have been waiting years to use that line. No report on the rolling eyes and groans from the jury following his remark.

Based on his series of offenses, Zachary received the maximum sentence allowed for shoplifting. It seems a tad excessive for just trying to show a piece of meat a good time. But all’s well that ends well, odds are there will be plenty of meat massaging going on where he’s headed for the next decade.

Check it out here.